28
Jul
10

Recycled? It was barely consumed!

I hope this images is not copyrighted

Yes, I took this photo. From the sample pictures folder on my computer. Why so judgemental. It's a nice sunrise.

Is it plagiarism if you borrow from yourself?  If you are not John Fogerty, I think not.  This is a little something I posted on Facebook a while back when people actually logged onto Facebook from desktops computers and did more than say Happy Birthday, updated statuses, look at photos, and grow virtual rutabaga.  Since only one person read it, I think it is fair for me to post it again here.  I can’t very well sue myself;  I can’t afford to win or lose.

This post on the now-untrendy Facebook Notes was inspired by this blog post Here.  Perhaps I should have tagged more people than just my wife.  She didn’t read it, understandably she was very busy carrying My Three Spawn inside her distended belly.  The guy who read it was a guy (and clicked Like) worked for me at the time and I was grateful for the lonesome brown-nose.

So here it is, updated with links! And formatting!  Otherwise, it is basically the same thing I wrote many (well, 13 or 14) moons ago*.

Please, feel free to come up with your own, just replace the non-bold parts and let me know in the comment section below.  As The Wolf once said, Pretty please. With sugar on top.

A 40 Questions Meme- Where I Bare My Soul (and Bottom) to You

1. My uncle once: killed vampires for a living. Now he owns a comic book shop and doesn’t tolerate loitering.

2. Never in my life: have I knowingly sold crack cocaine to an undercover cop.

3.When I was five: I told the undercover cop I swore thought it was rock sugar.

4. High School was: not like in the movies. No unstoppable mask-wearing killer, no webcam broadcasts of a boy violating pastry, and no werewolves on the basketball team.

5. I will never forget: that time I made out with one of the Olsen twins. I can’t recall which one, though.

6. I once met: this ten year old kid last year claiming to be my son. Embarrassingly, I told him that was just impossible.

7. There’s this girl I know who: has X-ray vision. I always tell her how cold it is when she starts snickering.

8. Once, at a bar: I beat Stephen Hawking at darts. What a sore loser.

9. By noon, I’m usually: in the gym, finishing up a punishing seven-hour workout with 1,000 reverse gravity sit ups before heading to McDonald’s for a double Big Mac, supersize french fries, chocolate milkshake, and a large Coke Zero.

10. Last night: I faced down yet another pretender to my breakdancing crown at the Electric Boogaloo.

11. If only I had: one arm, I would still be the best banjo player in Southeast Asia.

12. Next time I go to church: I will save some communion wine for others, even though they were rude to me for not being a Christian and for not putting my cell phone on Silent.

13. Terry Schiavo: rest in peace.

14. What worries me most: is that my children will someday find out I’m not the strongest, smartest, most handsome man in the universe, and that I’ve never actually been off Earth technically. Those tales of intergalactic space travel? Daddy made it all up.

15. When I turn my head left, I see: my lovely wife, sleeping peacefully next to me.

16. When I turn my head right, I see: Megan Fox, hunched over the table, doing another line of coke. Geez girl, put some clothes on!!!

17. You know I’m lying when: I tell you those pleated acid wash jeans look fucking awesome on you.

18. What I miss most about the eighties: is driving around town drunk, yelling profanities at the elderly and little children, while blasting Hall and Oates on the radio.

19. If I was a character in Shakespeare, I’d be: Jason Bourne in drag.

20. By this time next year: my penis will be longer and thicker than ever, according to this very promising email.

21. A better name for me would be: Rock Harder. That way people could call me Rock, Rockman Lover, Rockity-Rock, Rocknrolla, or just Mr. Harder.

22. I have a hard time understanding: people from England, with their “jolly good” this and “bully for you” that. Learn to sprechen ze American, will ya?

23. If I ever go back to school, I’ll: run for class president, buy votes, then rob the school blind.

24. You know I like you if: I build a shrine to you in my bedroom, filled with pictures taken when you weren’t looking, your name scrawled everywhere in my blood, “Every Breath You Take” by the Police playing on constant repeat.

25. If I ever won an award, the first person I’d thank would be: Ed McMahon, for reminding me that I could already be a millionaire.

26. Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: a bunch of egotistical blowhards who would make for quite a poker game.

27. Take my advice, never: run from your problems. It looks suspicious, so just walk away casually.

28. My ideal breakfast is: a bottle of 1995 Dom Perignon mixed with Minute Maid Orange Juice, served with organic eggs benedict made with real English muffin, served on the naked body of a mute Japanese schoolgirl with attractive teeth.

29. A song I love, but do not own is: Happy Birthday to You. I sing it every time we have a dinner out. Everyone knows the words, and sometimes you get free dinner!

30. If you visit my hometown, I suggest: you wear Kevlar. It’s a tough neighborhood, but it made me the classy warrior I am today.

31. Tulips, character flaws, microchips, & track stars: are, coincidentally, the four main exports of my hometown.

32. Why won’t people: stop screaming when they wake up handcuffed to the bed? They are padded cuffs.

33. If you spend the night at my house: don’t ask me what the big feather hanging over my bed is for.

34. I’d stop my wedding for: a Klondike bar. I did, actually.  Almost got divorced on the spot.  Until she had a taste, then she understood.

35. The world could do without: all that carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. Factories, stop your burning! People, less breathing! Cows, quit all that farting!!!

36. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: lick its butthole. That’s just gross. And way too kinky.

37. My favorite blonde is: my Mom.

38: Paper clips are more useful than: paper itself, according to FDR’s inaugural speech.

39. If I do anything well, it’s: fill out surveys, standardized tests, and these Apple Bottom jeans.

40. And by the way: if you read this entire list, that’s 15 minutes you aren’t getting back, you slow-ass reader you.

*When I read this again for the first time in ages, I actually laughed myself.  Not to pat myself on the back, but I just forgot it.  It might be the funniest thing I ever wrote (except for this of course) and I wonder if it was a high water mark that I will never approach.  And if that is true, then…geez, I must really suck.

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4 Responses to “Recycled? It was barely consumed!”


  1. 1 chada
    July 28, 2010 at 8:47 pm

    I laughed out loud reading this blog and it’s 3am.
    I subscrbed to your blog a while back and couldn’t resist reading it when I found
    a new notification on my blackberry with this note attached.

    Well done. Jolly good. But now I’m wide awake!

  2. 3 Johnny
    July 29, 2010 at 1:51 am

    Well – since I don’t work for you anymore – this technically isn’t a brown nose. #28 is still my favorite.


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